Thinking of You
by Wandering Dawn
Summary: Second best is all i will know because when i'm with him, i'm thinking of you. i wish that i was looking into your eyes. - Lily/Teddy


AN; well, i havn't done a fic to a song in years, so this should be interesting. hopefull you'll enjoy it :) sorry for any mistakes i missed after proofing it. Check out my other Ted/lil sotries if you haven't already and please please review :) they make my day, literally!

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><p><em>Cause when I'm with him I'm thinking of you, oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes – Katy Perry, Thinking of You<em>

Her eyes fell closed as the kisses rained down upon her jaw, neck, chest. She tried to put her mind somewhere else, anywhere but where she was. She tried not to outwardly cringe at the feel of his lips, the feather light touch of his hands, the way he spread her legs, settling between them. That night, she let him believe he had satisfied her, she let him believe she loved him, and she let him believe that she would always be there. But how could she be? He repulsed her. The way he laughed, smiled, spoke annoyed her to no end. The way in which his touch landed on her skin made it crawl every second it stayed there. But what was the point in trying to deny it? After all, she was his fiancée. There was no way to get away from it, she didn't have the heart to disappoint her parents, her cousins, his parents... him.

She cursed her cowardly loyalty. It was so Hufflepuff of her... she wasn't a Hufflepuff, she was a Slytherin. Slytherin's were deceitful, cunning and downright cowards. Well, at least I have the coward part down, she thought. Again, she cringed as Lorcan's arm fell across her stomach as he slept. She hated his touch... She longed for another's, someone who would never love her back... someone who would never think of her as more than his godfather's daughter. She hated that she couldn't have Teddy Lupin the way that she wanted, but she had come to accept it, conjuring his face in the place of Lorcan's. When his touch fell upon her skin she imagined it was Teddy. Teddy was the one making love to her, kissing her, holding her, falling asleep beside her, spooning her. Teddy would always be the one for her... she just wished he would realise that.

_He kissed my lips I taste your mouth. He pulled me in I was disgusted with myself._

The morning of her wedding to Lorcan was fast approaching. Her maid of honour, Rose Weasley, was experimenting with her hair and makeup, in preparation for her big day the next day. Staring at herself in the mirror Lily's eyes began to fill with tears.

"Lily? What's wrong?" Rose sounded concerned as she instantly put down all her tools on the dresser and sat on her bed, directly opposite. Turning to face her cousin Lily shook her head indicating she didn't want to talk about it. But Rose knew her better than that. "Lily Luna Potter you tell me what's wrong right this instant or I will hex you into next week!"

A tiny weak smile graced Lily's lips. "Rosie, I'm fine... honestly."

"No, Lil, you're not! What's wrong? This should be the happiest moment of your life! You're getting married. You're young, you're hot and you're about to get your fairytale ending!"

Chuckling humourlessly Lily replied, "That's just it, this isn't my idea of a fairytale ending..." Rose looked at Lily questioningly. Lily avoided her dark chocolate eyes, wishing she hadn't said anything. Rose prompted her to continue. "Rosie, my idea of a fairytale ending isn't to live in a huge manor with a rich man who I don't love. In fact I hate him, he constantly makes his skin crawl. I know I should love him, I've been with him for long enough... but he isn't the one for me. I know he's not. I don't want to become Lily Scamander... I'm scared to death of the thought of spending the rest of my life with him... and it's not pre-wedding jitters... The thought literally repulses me."

Rose looked shocked. "But... you always seemed so in love with him... I don't get it."

"Rosie, I was a Slytherin, deceit is our number one trait. Of course you thought I loved him, because I wanted you to... I wanted to believe it myself. But I'm sick of pretending... I'm sick of imagining someone else in his place, I'm sick of having to fake orgasm just because he's so shite in bed it's ridiculous! I don't love him... I don't even like him. I love someone else... I settled for Lorcan because I know that he would never love me back. But I'm sick of settling. I'm sick to my stomach of Lorcan." She took a deep breath to pause as realisation dawned on her. "I have to go...I can't marry Lorcan... not whilst he doesn't know how I feel. I have to tell him."

"Who?" Rose was beyond curious now.

Lily shook her head. "I have to go..." She grabbed her wand, sorting out her makeup and disapperating without another word. She was in his apartment. In front of the chocolate leather couch, opposite the fireplace that was currently glowing green with flames, indicating an arrival through the Floo Network. Then there he was, standing in the middle of his living room, a slight tinge of purple colouring his hair and eyes to show his confusion as to why there was a young red head in his living room with tears running down her face.

Lily took in his appearance feeling her heart swell with fear and love. He was stood in his white healer robes, a slight splatter of blood adorning the otherwise perfect robes. His hair, beautifully chocolate brown, now with purple streaks running through it spiked in a ruffled mess, making him look younger than he was. A slight stubble adorned his jaw, showing a lack of shaving over the past couple of days. His eyes looked tired with slightly purple shadows showing that he had been over worked. But they burned bright with curiosity, a light lilac swirling through the usually gold pupils. So many questions were in his eyes, but she couldn't answer them, couldn't speak. All she could do was break down into tears, allowing him to collect her up in his arms and hold her to his chest tightly. He slowly lowered her to the couch, trying to comfort her by rubbing her back up and down, allowing her to cry into his chest.

_You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter, like a hard candy with a soft filled centre. How do I get better once I've had the best?_

After several moments of tears and whispered comforting words, Lily had calmed enough for him to pull back slightly. He pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen loose from the bridal twist Rose had put in her hair. He ran his thumb tenderly under her eyes, wiping away any traces of tears. "Your hair looks so beautiful like that... You should wear it for your wedding in the morning." A fresh wave of tears came over her as Teddy stared in horror at the effect of his words. "Lil, what's wrong? Talk to me?"

"He's not my fairytale, Ted."

"I don't understand..."

Suddenly, Lily was on her feet, pacing the floor in front of where Teddy still sat on the couch. He looked like a pure god, she thought, unable to keep the perverse thoughts at bay. Shaking her head she began almost yelling in a frustrated voice. "It annoys me how totally and utterly clueless you are! How can you not see it? I hate him! He makes me skin crawl, he can never ever compare to the person I actually love! He isn't my fairytale ending, Ted. He isn't my prince charming! He isn't the one my thoughts instantly go to when I'm upset or when I'm happy. When he makes love to me I imagine someone else there, someone who I wish was there, on top of me, beside me, falling asleep in my bed. Merlin, Ted, he isn't my fairytale ending because you are! For me, it's always been you and you alone. I love you, Ted... how can you not see it?" she whispered the last sentence in a subdued tone, feeling her resolve completely crumble and tears breaking through her eyelids once again.

_Comparisons are easily made once you've had a taste of perfection_

Teddy sat there in stunned silence for many moments, just watching the way her hair became undone as she pulled at it, clearly frustrated with herself, him, the situation. Even with the way she looked totally and utterly broken and dishevelled she couldn't think of a more beautiful woman than the one standing in front of him, begging him to return her love with eyes that seemed to pierce his soul. Eyes that he could never say no to.

"Lil..."

"I know it's not right. I know that there's a ten year age gap. I know that it's going to take a lot of work. But I want to make it work, Ted. I want to make it work because you're it for me. I could never ever love anyone else whilst I'm still in love with you. I'm fed up of you being in my dreams and then waking up next to him. I can't marry him tomorrow, Ted. Not if you feel the same way... Please, just tell me you feel the same way. It's your last chance before I make the biggest mistake of my life... please, don't let me marry him."

A deep breath emits from deep within Teddy's chest as he closes his eyes before whispering the most earth shattering words Lily could ever imagine. "Don't use me as an excuse for your cold feet, Lil. You and Lorcan are perfect for each other. I'm not good for you, Lil. It doesn't matter how I feel because nothing could ever happen between us. You've conjured up some facade where you believe that you hate your fiancée but you don't and you sure don't love me. You're twenty five, Lil. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't find excuses to not go through with your wedding to someone who can really look after you." Teddy bites his lip softly before looking her straight in the eye. He hates the devastated and embarrassed look on her face. But he wasn't going to let her throw her life away on someone who was no good for her. "You should go back to your husband to be. He could take much better care of you than I ever could."

Lily watched as he turned away from her and walked down the hall to his bedroom, locking the door behind him. He leaned against it, finally letting his emotions overtake him as he slid down to the floor slowly, silent sobs wracking through his body at the onslaught of emotions. He heard the unmistakable crack of appiration, before allowing the heart broken moans to escape through his mouth. Self hatred coursed through his veins as he remembered the devastation staining her pretty face. He had caused that. He had caused her heart break. His punishment was to feel his own. A surge of magic emitted from his body causing several pieces of glass and pottery to explode near him, the lights flashed with his anger and he ripped the sheets from his bed, the books from his bookcase and the lamp from his desk all onto the floor before falling back down into a crumpled broken mess. But he wouldn't let her throw away a good life for him, a werewolf, a metamorphagus, a low paid mediocre freak.

_I do regret how I let myself regret, let you go oh now, now the lessons learned. I touched and I was burned_

On the morning of her wedding day Lily went through the motions, pulling her best Slytherin from within her, putting on her mask that she often wore when the prospect of Lorcan came up. Deep down she was begging him to not turn up, but of course he would... because he loved her. She allowed Rose to do her hair, dress her up in her wedding gown and cover her face in makeup, all the while watching Lily with worry in her eyes. After her confession the previous night Rose was incredibly worried about her cousin.

"Lil," she said, taking hold of Lily's hand before they walked into the church. "Are you sure you want to do this? You can still walk away from this. No one will judge you if you do."

"Yes they will... I have to do this. I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it. My true love doesn't care. I have to draw the line somewhere." Burning questions swam through Rose's eyes, but she just ignored them, staring at her reflection in the mirror."I'm ready to go to hell."

The wedding march rang in her ears, pulsed through her veins filling her with dread. With finality. She couldn't stand the idea of finality. The vicar ran through his speech whilst Lily stood there numb... a smile was curled upon his disgusting face, making shivers run down her spine. When it came to the 'I do's' she hesitated. Both Rose and Teddy shifted uncomfortably, both wishing her to say no. Finally one of them snapped.

"Stop." Gasps and murmurs ran out amongst the crowd. All eyes fell upon the person standing at the front of the church, defiance on their face. "I can't let you do this, I can't sit here and watch you throw your life away because you're too cowardly to stop yourself from marrying someone you're not in love with! Stop worrying about ending up alone and for once, find the Gryffindor within you and walk out of here with your head held high, Lily Potter. You're worth so much more than settling!" Everyone stared at the red headed beauties currently staring at one another, one in defiance and one in shock. Rose Weasley had basically just revealed her darkest secret. Teddy stared at Lily, wondering what she was going to do.

"Thankyou, Rosie. I'm sorry, Lorcan." And with that she left. As quickly as she could in her heels, she ran outside and apparated to her apartment. Quickly pulling out a suitcase Lily began throwing clothes into it, intent on getting away. That was how Teddy found her moments later. "I'm really not in the mood to deal with your crap right now, Ted."

"I was talking to Lorcan. He told me to deliver a message. He wants you to still go on your honey moon, alone. He said he won't disturb you but there's no point in letting it go to waste." Lily turned to look at the man who's hair was tinged with red, as though it were blushing. Black curiosity was burning in his eyes. "Why were you going to go through with it? You told me you couldn't stand him... Yet you stood there, about to declare your love for him. I don't understand, Lil."

"Like Rose said, I'm a coward. I couldn't stand the thought of being alone and being without you was even worse. At least with him, I could pretend he was really you. I could pretend it was the man of my dreams holding me in his arms, kissing my lips, watching me walk towards you down the aisle. But you told me you didn't care. You didn't give me the reason to leave him."

Anger flashed across the older man's features. His hair was now bright red and his eyes black as night. He looked like a man possessed. "That's not fair! I never ever told you I didn't love you, I told you to not use me to give you a reason to not marry him! God damn Lily, if you knew how I really felt about you you'd realise why I don't want to be the reason you threw your life away! I mean look at me! I'm too old, too poor, too pathetic. I'm dangerous, Lil, I'm a werewolf! I don't want to be with you because I will put you in danger, I can't give you anything that Lorcan can give you!"

"Don't you understand? I don't care about that! I don't care you're a werewolf! I don't care that you're not the richest guy on the planet, I don't care about the age difference. The only thing I care about is how much my heart leaps when I see you, how much my mood brightens, how much I love you. If you really love me then you'd ignore the negatives and just focus on our feelings! Focus on your heart, Ted. For once. Stop punishing yourself and everyone around you!"

Lily found her back pressed against her bedroom wall as Teddy, quick as lightening, pushed her against it. His eyes were blazing once again "You really want this?" he growled, pushing her further into the wall roughly causing her to whimper in pain. "You can barely handle this, Lily. You'd never be able to handle me in my true form. You can't handle me touching you like this, how will you handle it if I run at you during the full moon? How do you think I would handle it if I hurt you? I almost killed someone last month, Lil. I couldn't live with myself for weeks, how do you think I'd fucking live with myself if it were you? You should care that I'm dangerous! You should want to run away and never look at me ever again because of what I could do to you!"

Lily shook her head. "You wouldn't hurt me, Ted. I know you wouldn't"

"I wouldn't know the damn difference!" he yelled in her face, causing her to flinch. There was a reason that she was not Gryffindor. She was not as brave as she made out. But she was good at deceit. "I wouldn't know the difference and you would be dead by the time I knew! I refuse to put you in that situation!"

"You still don't get it do you? I LOVE YOU!" She leaned up and captured his lips in a passionate, messy kiss which he did not respond to.

"I'm sorry, Lil. I can't do this to you. You need to move on." He turned and walked out the door, leaving her there to slide down the wall, face full of tears with no one around to comfort her. She cursed the day Teddy Lupin was born.

_You said move on, where do I go? I guess second best is all I'll know. There's tons of fish in the water so I guess the water's out of test._

Once he was through the door he turned to look back at the house she had shared with Lorcan for so many years. His heart ached as he thought of how she had hated it here, kept in a proverbial (or social) prison. The lines on his face hardened as he thought of her going back to him. She deserved so much better than him, because she was Lily. Beautiful, smart... amazing. She was Lily and he was Teddy. They were perfect for each other. He thought of her face as he yelled at her, the pure hope that he would change his mind, crushed into tiny pieces. Her features contorted with the pain of rejection. He had caused that pain. Shaking his head he thought, fuck it. Storming back into the house he threw open her door and scooped her up into his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Lil. I love you so much. I just don't want to see you hurt anymore. Please forgive me. I love you so much." She stayed in his arms, crying onto his shoulder, gripping his shirt in her small fists, as though afraid he'll disappear if she let go. "No more mistakes, Lil. I promise. Just say you'll forgive me?"

She nodded slowly. "I forgive you."

_Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes. Just burst through the door and take me away, no more mistakes, cause being in your eyes I'd like to stay. _


End file.
